


It Was A Long, Fat Cold War

by No Donut (Lamashtar)



Category: Hetalia: Axis Powers
Genre: Cold War, Gen, Sumo Wrestling, Weight Gain
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2013-02-27
Updated: 2013-02-27
Packaged: 2017-12-03 18:59:33
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 761
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/701575
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Lamashtar/pseuds/No%20Donut
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Prompt: weight gain, preferably with America and/or Russia</p>
<p>Cold War fat contest.  Followed by Cold War sumo wrestling.</p>
            </blockquote>





	It Was A Long, Fat Cold War

During a post-Cold War summit, various military heads from the former Soviet republics meet with their American counterpoints to compare their respective training protocols.   
The Muscovite proudly proclaims, "Soviet soldiers get fed 10,000 calories every day!"  
The American general replies, "In the US army we feed our soldiers 20,000 calories a day."  
"That's impossible!" the Soviet exclaims, "no man can eat _two_ sacks of potatoes!" 

\--Old post-Cold War joke

 

It was a typical nation meeting during the Cold War.

“US is best! USA USA!”

“RARGH NO SOVIET IS BEST!”

“Like hell!”

“Soviet does everything better!”

“Bullpuckey! Anything you got, we got more!”

“Lies! Soviet worker is a great giant among men! We laugh at your puny and weak capitalist office workers!”

“Please! Everybody knows everything is bigger in Texas!”

“Hah! I laugh. This is the Soviet Union laughing at you. Look! Ha! Ha! Ha!”

“Them's fighting words, Russkie.”

“Stupid America!”

“My people are WAY bigger, Commie bastard.”

“Never! Russian men built like bears, EAT like bears! America has waist like girl.” Russia simpered illustratively, in case the implication didn't get across. America got it, though, and puffed up as if he were trying to deny the charge by mimicking a blowfish.

“Oh yeah???”

“Da!!”

“We'll just _see_ about _that!”_

“Dummy America wants to have contest? Soviet Union beat you any day, at anything.”

“Size contest, Pinko! Put up or shut up! Thirty days from now! I'll blow you out of the water!”

“In silly American dreams. You can make nice Disneyland movie about it.”

“Oh, we'll win, No-good-nik! And you'll run crying home to your sister!”

“ _America_ will be the one to cry! And we will drink your tears like salty, delicious vodka!”

After some meaningful glances and hand gestures indicating ultimate defeat for the other (or possibly, carpal tunnel syndrome) the other nations were startled out of their usual naps and realized it was time to get on with the actual meeting.

Japan's eyes alone shone bright with interest, as he watched Russia and America on their opposite sides of the table.

Accordingly, one month later..

“Ohh..” America wobbled up to the table.

“Ooof.” Russia jiggled as he balanced carefully on each foot in order to avoid a disastrous tipover.

The other nations watched, some in horror, some with unhealthy fascination, as the two superpowers began the process of sitting. America could not fit into his chair. Canada gave a small scream as he vanished beneath Russia.

The smug smile over America's triple chins could not be rivaled. “Looks like I win, Commie.”

Russia chortled. Ho ho ho. “You delude yourself, American scum. It is I who am the winner.”

“What? How dare you! Clearly--!”

“Again you try to steal what is rightfully mine, Capitalist running dog!”

Suddenly, Japan appeared between them.

Bowing his head, Japan placed his hands flat on the table. He said with solemn gravity, “There can be onry one way to settre this diremma.”

All light in the room surged together, focused on Japan's fist as he thrust it to the ceiling! A flash of light blinded everyone as it burst back outwards!

A few nations clapped, politely.

“ **SUMO WRESTLING!”**

“RARGH!” America roared as he flexed, causing his clothes to rip off explosively.

“ARRGH!” Russia answered, seizing his garments in both hands and tearing them all off in a sudden motion.

The naked flesh of the two superpowers rippled in slow motion as they stood in epic confrontation.

France burst into tears.

“RAAOOOORGH!” America bellowed as he charged.

“AAAOOORRRGGH!” Russia howled as he attacked.

“U.S. BUSHWHACK MANEUVER ALPHA 7!”

“SOVIET CLOBBER-SMASH PIROUETTE!”

The sheer seismic force of their impact knocked them both out onto the floor.

They woke a few minutes later when England thoughtfully threw water on them.

“We,” England announced. “Are going to lunch. You two can survive on your blubber.”

“OooOOoo..” America rolled back and forth like a beached whale, trying to gain enough momentum to get upright.

“Wahhh..” Russia flailed his doughy arms and legs helplessly.

Ukraine snuffled. Russia looked almost the same as when he was just a baby.

America stopped his rocking to watch the way Ukraine's voluminous bosom bounced as she walked away. The slow motion shake. And rolling, side-to-side bounce. And bounce.

When the room was empty except for them, America said, “My scientists have had some success with steroids and implants.”

“Fat implants?” Russia marveled from flat on his back.

“For breast size. Did you--?”

Russia smiled with triumphant fondness at the thought of his sister's award-winning cleavage. “No! All natural, comrade. All natural.”

 

**Author's Note:**

> If you have trouble understanding Japan's Engrish, replace all the 'r's with 'l's.
> 
> Very much inspired by Thomas Sullivan's short story, 'The Mickey Mouse Olympics'.


End file.
